How it feels to be on the other side of the planet ....

If life ever would have given us a choice about what we wanna be in life : a beautiful swan or a lizard ; a flower or a thorn ; a turtle or a spider; it is obvious that most of us will choose the pretty and delicate eye candy type stuff ... it's an usual state of mind;  We go by our lives daily passing through alleys and streets walking driving ...watching people as they  pass by and how some faces catch our eye... a part of which is really pretty and luring ... and the other part is not so pleasant to see... why would have god made some people less pretty ? those who aren't 

that pleasing beautiful are such adorable and caring person that you can't believe this much Blair of divinity and enthusiasm from someone who is not desired by people who this inferiority complex who think they have the power to tell others that they are ugly and for this reason they can't stand by their side ...they are judgmental as they open their mouth a river full of dirt flows off making you see their inner brightness (the real devil)... totally takes me to heaven(that i am right about their kind of beauty) ...i do hate people around me ... hate is such a strong emotion ...i see them pretending that they don't do things to get noticed but actually their whole life depends on it ... they live for it ... why can't people be modest after having all types of wealth (for that i mean a healthy and loving caring family ,brains , good looks and it's eventually gonna get them wealth so i just have considered all the present aspects and future result to support my statement ... i hope now you guys comprehend )...i also belong to that ugly clan.. I hear people passing by me saying I like her cloths but she is ugly … guys do this rating this 2/10 and sometimes they just don’t consider me  … shit happens in life … the difference in my case is my whole life is an embarrassment .. I think my friends sometimes don’t wanna hang around with me because they are actually very beautiful and they don’t want a ugly person to ruin their herd (it's not that i think me to be some worm or something it's just how they think of me and i still can't say no to them when they need help .. funny me )… actually public appearance with me is a little overwhelming for them … I get it … I too don’t wanna be the person who ruins the pic … so stand behind the camera most of the times .. eventually I have started liking it … I can click nice so I do that they can look nice so they do that … nice agreement right … I have read somewhere that those who laugh the fullest  have been crying a lot and so they take every chance to have a smile … these are not the exact lines but I hope you got the meaning …some of my friends (I clearly don’t know are they truly my friends or they pretend to like me ? everything is a blur ) tell me that they like to make me laugh because they like my laughing voice and how I don’t restrict myself from doing it like others who think that should laugh in style … I remember when I used to go to my training in bus all my friends used to crack so many jokes just to my me laugh and everyone on the bus used to look at me and smile …. That’s something I have …still not proud of it because if I did that god while take away my voice also.. he has taken my smile .. I can’t handle to be a mute and neither can my parents.. life have given me many scars and I have to live with them … but after living with them for this much time they don’t bother me .. once doctor asked me about any visible scars for identification and I couldn't come up with one and trust me I have two on my face and he could clearly see that but what I could manage to tell him was about a  mole on my face (I felt so stupid after a while when I realized what I did ..).. my scars don’t annoy me because I have a habit of watching them every day …but it’s little hard for people to stop staring and feel pity about my poor soul who is not so physically beautiful like theirs … sometimes I can’t figure out the reason … I still go out and I don’t need a buddy to eat with me at the corner restaurant I don’t hate being alone .. me and my thoughts and not forgetting my on-going expressions  ..they are best buddies...

I wanna be a atheist because whatever I try praying thanking threatening begging god never considers it… even I take care when I see an ant and try not to crush it under my feet … but Mr I am busy all the time never have a feeling for this ugly creation of his maybe he likes to punish me for my bad deeds of past life (I am not I hard-core believer but I think everything has a reason behind it and the holy books say something like that so what’s the harm in mentioning it once )Or maybe the devil owns me… and I am born evil .. so god doesn't like me … devil Is devil why would he care I don’t even do his job with keen effort… whatever none of these can improve my position…so I just leave both of them alone … and I don’t have to ask them to do the same cause they already have abandoned me .. sometimes I give up all hopes and think of dying ten I start to figure out methods and then I start thinking that when I had that accident which took all my charm away and gave me this position that I am writing such horrible things here .. it should have taken my life away it would have been better than living this way …

You know what I've learned … I have learn to live a life in ignorance I don’t go on stage when I really want to .. speak to people … come forward to do something … I avoid going parlous so much because every women there is more interested in me than how their own looks … some people say I got good imagination but I don’t want anyone to look at it .. So I don’t participate in anything … no one likes to listen what I have to say because every pinch of fun is gone now … past two years have been the worse … now my bf also tells me that I was better before … (and who wants him to compromise and stay with a boring girl he can leave whenever he wants .. and I have made it clear to him several times )….these days I don’t feel like living into any commitment …I wanna be a free person but do you know how some things become your habits … it’s the same matter here …well I already know that whatever I want doesn't happen instantly (when it happens instantly for others who don’t even deserve it more than me )… like I wanted I rode four years ago now I really don’t care about having it … but now I am gonna have it .. Now the question is .. Does it make me happy now? .. no it doesn't  there is no worth of rain when all the crop has burned under sun…

 I feel myself to be different (not in a way that i am a better soul or something... or I am not trying to make myself look superior )...i never understand how can anyone describe their selves in a few words ... and how you can think of good things always ... It's a  hard thing for me to think about my qualities ... when other tell me that I am good at such thing i get so surprised  that i think you sure you talking about me cause this doesn't sound anything like me ... i like to be with people and have fun ... but I also like to live away from anyone do the things that i really like .... Think about the future ... or just think about what i wanna eat ... just look around and see everything observe the surroundings ... feel calm .... and sometimes I wanna go rock star mode ... jump on bed ... stand on stage sing songs out loud .... Party dance until the morning sounds so loud that i stop feeling my ears ... drive fast in chill that my face go all numb .... 

   

  Certainly my character is not followed by others .. so i keep my ideas inside ... and try to play along ... I have been just waiting for the time to come when i'll be the queen of my world ... I will go all demanding ...i'll go onto a high water fall and jump into it ...I came bet you I’ll be sparkling alive .... I’ll go to concerts n watch classic movies every day … 

I still have a hope and I am determined I’ll have whatever I want but it will take time .. time has always been a factor … but I certainly now that no miracles are going to happen … you won’t agree that after all the ignorance some people now and appreciate … and I have a tendency to work hard … I have always been working  hard and no one who has ever seen me can deny my passion I always want a upper hand … wanna reach the top …. I want power … (I don’t wanna be super women but power has different forms ) … now I should stop being this horrible workaholic ugly woman …I don’t wanna scare you guys off… I am still very sweet … xoxo a bientot ….